this day after Christmas
news of his friend
losing his battle
as the great star succumbs
to blue-gray snow clouds

Oh, those mixed emotions that come the day after Christmas! We had a wonderful day, with my parents, my three kids and David's girls, but now it's over and with it today both the feelings of let-down and welcome relief. This afternoon though, all these usual sentiments have been made null and void by news of David's friend--the chemo not working, the cancer spread into the bone, and his body too weak to continue with the treatment. It's been a long battle and he's still not ready to give up but nothing about this news is hopeful. David and I today, as snow clouds move in, doing nothing but letting go of any complaints and counting our many blessings.

this third day
of whirling Christmas snow
and still
no magic in my heart
no rest for this unhinged mind

As you can tell by the poem, I am still struggling with not working and the anxieties and doubts that come with this feeling of displacement. And while I was quite looking forward to enjoying this holiday season, I am finding that my personal struggles are impinging. I am seeking the magic and the joy to no avail.

Yesterday, a glimpse. I stumbled across Penny Harter's heartfelt message on Curtis Dunlap's "Blogging Along Tobacco Road" (if you aren't familiar, you really must check it out) and it touched me like nothing else has this Christmas season. Penny, after having just lost her husband, poet Bill Higginson, reminds us that life is full of magical moments by relaying a dream she had about Bill. It is beautiful. Penny ends by saying "may we all be reminded that both in sorrow and in joy, we should strive to celebrate the blessing of being here on this old planet, and the opportunity to share both the blessings and challenges of our lives with one another."

Ah yes, a little perspective on the magic and joy of just being.

this dark day
of snow flakes flying
and birds hiding
I scatter seed outside my door
hoping for a friend

This not working thing is for the birds! (ha! no pun intended) My energies are so diffused that I feel lost and restless, wandering through my days, so one of the things I've been doing is looking for the birds! I've always been a bird lover and never really had the time to befriend them. So I went online (another of the many diverse and useless things I do with my free time)and read up on backyard birding, what kinds of seed attracts which kinds of birds, what feeders to use and where to hang them, and various other tips. So far I've hung several different feeders (one I made myself!) all around my house but still no birds. One site said that the birds are pretty content with foraging in the fall, but when the winter sets in, they should find their way to me and my feeders. Ah, what a glorious day that will be!