even one year later
I struggle
to part with her things--
lipsticks and combs and intimates
a driver's license with her smiling face

It's been 13 months since my mom died and even though I've rented out the apartment downstairs to my newlywed daughter, my mother's room remains full of her things.  I tried to go through her closet last summer, and I actually did succeed in bagging up some clothes to donate to the Salvation Army, but that was as far as I got.  When it came to her drawer full of intimates, clothes she often wore and things like her lipstick and comb, I just felt stuck.  I don't know how other people do it.  Every time I think about throwing out these things, I tear up and tell myself I'm just not ready.  And maybe that's all it is--a case of being ready. 

I've gone into the room periodically over the last year with intentions of doing just a little, but I get stuck--stuck looking through things, stuck on memories, stuck with indecision and some times, stuck with talking to my mother, wherever she may be.

The problem is that the room has become more crowded by boxes of my parent's other belongings, from when I cleaned out the apartment--things I wasn't quite sure what to do with.  So now it's a matter of being overwhelmed.  But I think I'm ready--to at least begin. My plan is to go in once a week and accomplish one small thing, and if I get stuck on something, I leave it.

It's funny. No one has even offered to help me. Maybe they know it's just something I'm going to have to do myself. I sure have had to do a lot of things for myself in this world. Especially now that my mom is gone!  But I know I'll get it done eventually, because I'm strong and determined, just like my mom.