like a child
I am lost and looking
for my mama
between stark white apple blossoms
bees come alive

It has been one month now since my mother has died and I still cannot believe she is gone. Every day I am plagued by this need to find her--somewhere--anywhere--in the wind, in the flowers, beside her grave, sitting in her chair, in the smell of her clothes hanging in her closet or in the pictures stacked up on my desk that tell the story of her life. I am lost without her and looking, like I did when I was a child, for that safe touch, that familiar face, that soothing tone in her voice, right up until the day she passed. What bothers me most is not knowing WHERE she is. Everyone has their ideas: she's in heaven, she's with her parents now, she's preparing a place for us, she's with Jesus, she's inside of you, she's in your heart, she's in the birds that sing or the flowers that bloom or she's right beside you looking over you--but the truth is, these are all just guesses. Where is my mama really? Where has she gone? How can she just not "be" anymore? She was the love of my life, and I miss her with every breath.